Saturday, July 08, 2006

I'm not strong..

Been very depressed lately. My mind's in a mess. I've been thinking about so many things and getting myself stressed up over them.

Kita hanya boleh merancang, tetapi Tuhan yang menentukan. If He wants something to happen, it will happen. Kun fa ya kun.

Nobody can understand what I'm going through. They can onli say they do, but they don't. People can say so many things, in front of you, and behind your back. But they can never understand what's going on.

Nobody will know how many sleepless night I've had. Nobody knows how often these tears have flowed down the cheeks, on the pillows, in the day, at night, in my prayers... Not even the one who sleeps beside me every night. Only God knows.

I'm an emotional wreck. I refuse to believe that this is depression. But I think I'm mentally and physically tired.

It can get tough juggling family life and career. It doesn't help that Daanish still wakes up in the middle of the night. Just last night he woke up 4 times. I envy mothers who have an easy time taking care of their babies. I'm not complaining. This is not the reason for my mental unstability. In fact, he's such a joy to be with. I love playing with him. He's the cause for my smiles and laughter. I love him so much. I do believe babies who are difficult to take care of now, will make your life easy when they grow up. I'm one.

Yeah really. I can't recall how many bzgegillion times I hear my mom telling people how I wail every time it's sunset. How often I wake up at night. How I can cry for hours non-stop. How she fainted at work coz she didn't have enough rest. How she handled me by herself coz dad was too scared to carry babies. He still is scared. He does not lift even a finger of newborn babies, and only will carry when they are strong enough to crawl.

So anyway, I'm not complaining. This is just pouring out of the heart.

I'm in a fragile state of mind. Tears can just flow.

Thanks to a colleague of mine for listening. Coz we share our problems. Yesterday we went out to town. And what do girls do when they are depressed? Shop!

Retail therapy works wonders for us girls. Agree?

We popped into boutiques just to window shop at first. And then we saw, and we fell in love. With this:

A COACH wristlet. The new arrival.

We got so excited. Like school girls. So embarassing. But who the hell cares! I got one. She got one. I'm happy. She's happy. Coz the price is so affordable. For me at least. I have a family, so can't really splurge much. And I'm not a material girl sort. So this is like something special. I'll always remember the reason behind buying this wristlet.

After that, I was happy. At least until I got home. Coz as I sit there all alone in the bus, I started to think again. Of my worries.

What am I to do? I pray to God to give me strength to go through this period of my life.

Pooped @ 11:20 AM