Thursday, February 01, 2007

Still here...

I'm still around.
With baby still wiggling inside of me.
Nope. Not the time yet.
But hope it is.
Cos my body is tired. Back aching like only God knows.
There's not enough rest. Can't sleep well at nite.
If it's not the back, it's the leg cramps.
But more often than not, it's the Abang who still wakes up at nite crying.
Yup. He still does dat.
And he's gonna turn ONE next week.

And I'm also mentally tired.
Pregnancy this time is taking a toll on my sanity.
Every now and then, I'll do a mental check.
For the soundness of mind.
It's hard to accept it this time.
At 5 mths, it's still unknown to the closest of families.
At the point of knowing its gender, there's no one to share it with.
It's sad, depressing.

There's a period of time when I was crying every single day. For every single reason.
I didn't know how to cope.
I didn't get help.
I just went on and faced the world with that smile, masking my turmoil insde.

Breaking the news to my parents I thought was difficult.
I was wrong.
Handling my mom's reaction after dat was the most difficult part.
To hear things dat you wish didn't come from her.
It hurt.
It still does.
But I have to be strong. For the baby.

As I was beginning to accept the current situation I'm in, comes another blow.
Another nasty remark from another someone whom I don't owe my life to.
Frankly speaking, I'm still mastering the art of not caring about what people say.
I envy those who have.
When things like dat happen, it set me back into my hole.

I'm thankful for those people who gave me the strength to move on.
To be happy and to enjoy the things I took for granted.
To Daanish who doesn't fail to put a smile on my face every single day.
To my 2 buddies at work, Husna and Irda, whom I regard like my sisters and share my ups and downs, thanks for being there.
To Ain, whom I don't get to meet but is always in my thoughts. You've been a great 'spiritual' friend. Thanks for the card u sent me, the very first time I said I was depressed.
To those who sent me sweet messages on my tagboard, you guys are one in a mill.
And last but not least, to my hubby, from the bottom of my heart, I love you. You've been my pillar.

So dat's all for now, I guess.
I had intended to keep all my entries happy. But this time I thought I would share my inner thoughts.
Now let me be. Let me handle my occasional anxiety attack on the labour pains I'm about to have. Let me immerse myself with work cos I feel a tinge of guilt having to take 3mths off 2 yrs in a row.
Let me plague my minds with words that cut me deep. These are just words I hear. What about those I don't? Those people who give insensitive remarks behind my back?
Well, I guess, what you don't know won't hurt you rite?

I'm due in March. But if things go like how it went for Daanish, I'll be in the delivery suite in Feb. It's ok if you don't visit. I'm really alright with it. Cos you guys visited like only yesterday, gave Daanish presents and all. So save up this time for your wedding or holiday or sumthin.

I won't announce either.
So, dats it then.

Pooped @ 2:18 PM